i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
