how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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