Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
