We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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