Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
