There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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