so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
