actually, I'm a sock model
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
