oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
