he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
