drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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