____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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