ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
