just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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