Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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