I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
