do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
