I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
sarcasm needs its own font
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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