I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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