My first STD was from a foam party
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
