Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
