can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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