My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
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Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
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just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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