i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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