Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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