even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
