I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping