Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion