My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
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whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
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She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover