You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
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dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
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I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart