My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
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Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm