the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize