If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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