Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
