I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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