How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
