dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
