I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
