Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
