Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
