i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Randomize
