your parents love me but you hate me
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
