I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
