So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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