he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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