Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
