I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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