Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
