Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
the liver wants what the liver wants
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
