these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
