Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
