Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
