what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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