Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
