Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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