I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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