Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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