Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You're like the curious george of whores
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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