I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
