if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
