Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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