i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
