Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
