so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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