sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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