I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
