I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Vodka?
Forever.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
