So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
