does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
