She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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