i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
