im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
