I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
third nipple confirmed
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
